A woman goes to the supermarket - joke

A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the
aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her
breasts, and her crotch.

After doing this a number of times a man
approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.

She tells him no.

He says that he would like to know what she is doing
at the beginning of each aisle.

She says she is trying to remember her
grocery list. He seems puzzled and asks her for an explanation. She
goes through the motions saying: "One head of lettuce, 2 ears of corn,
2 breasts of chicken, and food for my pussycat."

 

 

Kanjibhai asks funny jokes

The doctor knocked at the hospital door before entering Kanjibhai's room.

Kanjibhai called out to come in.

The doctor then proceeded to tell Kanjibhaito remove all of his clothing after which he gave him a thorough, from top to bottom, front to back, leaving no part of his body untouched.

When he had finished, Kanjibhai looked the doctor straight in the eye and asked, "Doctor, can
I ask you a question?"

"Of course," he replied.

Kanjibhai asks, "Why did you bother to knock?"

A DRUNK ON THE BUS - JOKE

A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop.

 

He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.

 

Still the drunk man is fumbling in his pocket for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus once again. Next stop, the same thing happens.

 

In fact, every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.

 

A few stops later, the drunk starts to exit the bus from the front.

 

"Hey," shouts the bus driver.... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

 

The drunk, still reeling, shouts back,

 

"Why should I?!. . . I walked all the way!"

 

 

Prostitute Parrots ( jOke )

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

 

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

 

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"'

 

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship."

 

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

 

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

 

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!"

 

 

 

Lie Detector Robot JOKE

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

 

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

 

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

 

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

 

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

 

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

 

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

 

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

 

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

 

'The Ten Commandments.'

 

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

 

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

 

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

 

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

 

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

 

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once , but three times

 

 

Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss (JOKE)

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in
loud discussions during office time.....

 

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened
to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

 

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

 

They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to
douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

 

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened
to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

 

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

 

They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to
douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

 

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

 

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?

 

 

 

"About 1 litre."

 

I got your money back ( JOKE)

Two deaf guys are trying to buy some condoms, but the pharmacist does not read sign.

 

Frustrated they go outside to figure out a way to make him understand what they want.

 

Finally one of the guys gets an idea, goes into the pharmacy, whips out his member and lays his money beside it on the counter.

 

The pharmacist looks around to make sure no other customers are in the store, whips out his member and takes the money.

 

The guy goes out and signs the event to his friend.

 

The friend goes in to the pharmacy and comes out about five minutes later.

 

The first guy signs asking if he got the condoms.

 

The second guy signs back, "No, but I got your money back."

 

 

 

 

Wife Was Cheating ( JOKE )

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

 

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

 

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.

 

A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

 

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

 

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

 

 

enjoying the Deal Under the Table (JOKE)

A romantic young married couple exploring new ways of romance, intimacy, love, pleasure, joy, touch, smell, positions and styles of Kamasutra, venue, adventure were sitting at a candle light table in a splendid restaurant in the quietest corner of their choice.

 

They ordered expensive wine and Hors D'oeuvres.

 

Suddenly the man started slipping on his chair.

 

The waitress noticed it from a distance with her other responsibilities, but thought man would handle himself and straighten out.

 

However, the man slowly started sliding under the table further until he disappeared. The wife was quite unconcerned, inattentive to her husband and kept on drinking and eating expansively.

 

The waitress had to react and help. She came to the woman and said, "Ma'am your husband may have lost his balance, and slipped under the table."

 

The lady replied with a whoop of pleasure, "Perhaps, but don't worry he is enjoying the Deal Under the Table."

 

 

 

Three patients in a mental institution prepare - Joke

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

 

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However,

 

If they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

 

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

 

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

 

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

 

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

 

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

 

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

 

 

 

 

 

SANDWICH ( HINDI JOKE & FUNNY SMS )

 

1)A girl selling SANDWICH on the beach in goa, asked a

 

Sardar:"sardar ji ,sandwich loge? "

 

Sardar ji replied,"o,kamliye sand wich kyon?, room wich kyon nahi?

 

 

2)Ek Sardar car ke piche pesab kar raha tha.

 

A Foreigner said to him "AAPKE YAHAN POLICE NAHIN PAKADHTI ?"

 

He replied,"NAHIN HAMAARE YAHAN KHUD PAKADHNA PADHTA HAI !"

 

 

 

 

3)Iss jahan main aae ho to , kuch aaisa kar jaao kadardaan,

 

Jiss gali se guzro, aawaaz aae --"ABBAJAAN - ABBAJAAN"

 

 

4)Kabhi yaad aaye to fon kar lena,
Paise kam ho to sms kar lena,

 

Agar yeh bhi na kar sake to
Mobile dahi me daal kar vibration on karna,

 

Or LASSI pi lena...

 

Men's Logic ( FUNNY JOKE )

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.


The Problem was who should get custody of the child.


The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.


The child Should be in my custody."
 

The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"


The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...


Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"

 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open
heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the
care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, '' No health insurance.'

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could
help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a
nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
'Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to GOD.'
The patient replied, 'Send the bill to my
brother-in-law'.